It’s been over a year since I first got sick of a lung infection which required me to take medicines for a month and that I had to quit my job or I wont get well at all because I have asthma and my boss at that time was smoking inside our office.
After I came back from the Philippines after my graduation, I was overwhelmed of work even though it was Ramadan and we’re supposed to have shortened working hours. I also had depression then and I couldn’t concentrate well in my duties and responsibilities. I had an argument with my boss and then I had to leave the company without receiving my salary for 3 months.
After a month of home medications, I was brought to the hospital and was confined 3x over the course of 4 months in Doha. In the ICU I didn’t know what was happening but I was hurting so bad they had to induce coma and put ventilator and NGT on me 2x in one week. I thought I was gonna die but still, here I am fighting to survive even though all I want is to give up.
I went back home to the Philippines to find some answers to what my conditions really are. I met a doctor who specialise in my case. He got to introduce me to his patient who had the same case as mine. That’s when I had to accept that these chronic conditions are irreversible and I had to deal with it for life. I had to accept that this is my new normal.
Along the way, dealing with constant hospitalisations here in Doha and in the Philippines where I got my treatment and Rehabilitation, I became so down that whenever I see other people who do the things I can do before, I get so frustrated that I want to die. The only reason that I wanna fight is because of the people who took their time to help me financially and emotionally. I don’t want to let them down. But still, these thoughts just isn’t easy to go away so I had to deal with it everyday.
The pain won’t leave me alone. I just pretend and try my best to show everyone that I am doing well when I couldn’t even carry my own weight. I get frustrated that feel like everything is being taken away from me. I feel so alone. I struggle everyday, not only physically but also mentally and emotionally. I had to hide everything that could harm me because as impulsive as I am, I could harm myself without even thinking.
One thing’s for sure, I miss the old times, when dad used to be by my side, when we enjoy taking trips together as a family. Me, my brothers and my parents. Though I know that I have to accept the reality, my reality is still in my childhood years, when nothing seems wrong and even though I am constantly hospitalised, my parents are there supporting me, not like this present reality where I feel like a burden to my family for being sick.
I don’t want to say goodbye to writing, but this has become a difficult task for me now. Everything I loved doing, passionately, I feel like they’re gone. I try so hard not thinking about the pain, I try so hard not to complain about long walks, even though I really wanna cry in pain. I don’t want people to know that I’m weak, but deep inside, my heart breaks when I try to hide the pin,
This new journey with these conditions is what I have to deal with now. But I’m still stuck in my childhood years, yearning for my parent’s love and attention. I don’t have money to help even when I’m trying to. I’m still trying to figure out how. It’s not easy but I hope it would be worth it.
I miss my dog, Hiro. He always knows when I feel sad, He sleeps beside me back home. I feel sad that I can’t have a pet here who will help me with my mental state.
I haven’t started with my rehab yet but once I can, I’ll do my best to be able to walk again, to run again and not be frustrated that I have to rely on everyone.
Love, and understanding, that’s all I need. I hope someday I could give them all back to those people who need them too.